boundaries and vulnerability

July 12, 2013 at 12:26 pm 5 comments

It occurred to me like a bolt of lightening that the Virgin’s journey is all about finding and really feeling the boundary between you and the world.  The interesting thing is, when you find this boundary, by really attaching to who you are, you are suddenly free to really connect with other people.  Only with a strong connection to self can you be vulnerable and let people see who you really are.  Without it you always need to appease other people to feel okay in your skin.  This is the big message in many romance stories from Pretty Woman, Working Girl, Miss Congeniality, to Silver Linings Playbook.

I had the most wonderful experience yesterday getting my nails done and my eye brows waxed.  I dropped in and Katie made space for me (she always does).  She popped Pretty Woman into the video player and there was a chorus of supportive comments from my fellow clients: ladies in their 50’s(I’m guessing), their 20’s, and two charming gay guys.  “I love this movie, good choice” or some variation, we all shouted.  It was like a scene out of Legally Blond.  Someone else popped in who had to have a pedicure immediately in order to have a pick me up for a funeral.  I learned Katie has the ability to make a lot of people feel special.  We all belonged which quickly lead to expressed sympathy, shared favorite nail colours, baudy jokes about who was wearing underwear (surprisingly few given the summer dresses).  We cooed at the fashion and said the big lines a moment before Julia Roberts did.  “Slippery suckers!, It’s easier to believe the bad stuff, You just did.”

In Pretty Woman Vivianne won’t kiss on the mouth.  This is the boundary she makes to protect herself which is essentially – don’t let people in.  “I’m like a robot.”  Then she learns to attach to herself through self care, including bubble baths, good food, beautiful clothes, kind relationships, and setting a boundary when Edward is disrespectful to her.  Once she really sees her value she is able to be vulnerable with Edward.   She was able to really show him who she is because he did not have the power to devalue her anymore.  She maintains her connection to herself when Edward offers to make her a kept woman. No matter what, she knew her value.  It was so beautiful we all cheered when Vivian responded to Edward saying I would never treat you like a hooker and she said “you just did”.  And maybe, because she did let down her guard and be vulnerable, Edward was inspired to overcome his fears of heights and commitment and treat her the way she deserves to be treated.

In the world of love you need to first love yourself, own that attachment, which empowers you to let other people see the real you.  When you have your own approval you are free from craving others’ approval.

As a bonus, I now have the most beautiful hands and feet of my adult life.  It feels really good to look at them and be reminded that I value myself.

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Break-up Themes the secret world

5 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Lorne  |  July 12, 2013 at 12:50 pm

    Kim: Great blog! You took a routine experience and made it memorable (the mark of a wonderful teacher, btw)! love must begin – with ourselves.


  • 2. kellyrtillson  |  July 16, 2013 at 10:19 pm

    Reblogged this on Love Your Toast and commented:
    When I heard God tell me that I needed to learn to be loved, I didn’t understand then that I would have to learn to love myself. So, this. This exactly!

  • 3. wee1one  |  July 19, 2013 at 9:55 am

    ‘I love that in Pretty Woman there is a tangible expression of that boundary, and we get to see it broken down over the course of t h e film. Now I am looking to identify that for my female protagonist as I think it

  • 4. wee1one  |  July 19, 2013 at 9:56 am

    Will make my story stronger (sorry about split post, for some reason I couldn’t post as one)

  • 5. SG  |  July 23, 2013 at 3:53 pm

    In the first three sentences of this article, is this clear idea of a mini-process of progressive self-conception that seems sound at many levels. At a glance viz., intrapsychic, identity, interpersonal, and social.

    Consider this quote from a 2012 romance by Victoria Pade, “Mommy in the Making,” (Harlequin Special Edition)

    “… until I’ve gotten used to the idea, and it seems real to me, and I feel more okay with it. Then maybe I’ll be better at handling everyone else’s reaction.”

    Another Harlequin Special Ed., by Rachel Lee “The Widow of Conard County,” is practically a showcase of this concept, in how the struggling internally, each totally driven into introversion and isolation, emerges healed by such a process, at a few levels.

    This “akin to a fractal-like self-symmetry” is not an isolated one in your observations and your work on the Virgin Paradigm.

    Even the concept of overlapping beats, having transcended event causality for a spatio-temporal (Thoughts-Feelings-Action space) clearly reflects as “chords” in a characters psyche in response to the story stage.

    So, congratulations on continuing o touch something so fundamental, and thanks for … 🙂


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The Virgin’s Promise

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